There are mountains of women in the world who are inspirational and deserve a place on the stage of #internationalwomensday. Some of them have achieved incredible things, overcome unreal obstacles, created unbelievable impact. But this year, I’ve chosen someone I don’t admire, or love, or respect, or support, who in my opinion hasn’t done any of the above… I don’t even accept her for who/what she is; a female!
That someone, is me.
I respect and admire a lot of women around me. I just cannot handle being around them for too long and will usually seek out a male to balance the energy back to what I think is ‘even’ – but it stems from not being close to my inner woman and receiving my own love.
I had an interesting conversation with someone I am about to interview this week. We spoke of the blockages created by this deep-seated hatred and unwillingness to accept being a receiving vessel (…I have a cavity for sexual acts, if you missed what I was getting at). And how it influences my ability to recieve love, support, guidance, universal messages, health, healing and even enjoyment.
Regardless of how I appear physically, or outwardly, being bisexual, fluid genderfucked/confused – or any other label/letters/ words that are the opposite of what most of society ironically deems ‘normal’ doesn’t help. And I will more often than not, feel like I don’t fit in the ‘category’ of a woman for such a day (or any given day). I have been fighting this confusion for almost 20 years- not so much because of the external pressures, or 4000 years of learned behaviour of our species- but my personal lack of direction of what it means to be ‘woman’.
On the deepest, invisible level, I
hated was disconnected with being female at around 7 years old. Not that you could see it through my maturity with adults, my creativity, or performing arts lifestyle, I attributed being a girl to weakness. I held onto the belief that I was inferior to males and needed them to succeed and by high school I begged to be on the pill to stop my natural state and forget about it. But the victim subconsciousness was sniffed out and believing I was at their mercy, or for their pleasure actually attracted the acts to follow and the relationships I formed.
Although at 21-22 I finally came out as ‘not-straight-not-gay-probably-bisexual-but-I-don’t-think-that-fits-either’ the lack of support and understanding around it only began to solidify my
hatred distaste for being ‘stuck as female’… And for the last 2-5 years, since the inclusion of HPV to my ‘story’, I can positively say I have outright hated (ok I don’t have a replacement here) the fact that I have female organs and must adhere to a cyclical rollercoaster, expect to be impregnated and all the other ‘bullshit’ things we physically deal with (including Cervical dysplasia issues), things I believed made me a ‘woman’.
All the things I never wanted to use (uterus, ovaries, etc etc) was what physiologically set me apart from males. And worst of all, in the last 4 months I have stopped seeing myself in the mirror and stopped feeling myself emotionally and physically.
I have a point…
It is not new knowledge that we can manifest dis-ease in our bodies. The human form is exponentially capable of both the destructive and healing path. We know because of it’s language = Pain and illness, or energy and vitality based on factors such as where we live, what we eat, breathe, absorb, light sources etc. So when I was asked by this person if I believed I may have manifested and created CIN3 in my cervix and attracted HPV again my response was a form of yes (obviously including swearing for emphasis) without hesitation.
With all this out in the open, regardless of the slightly-dismissive writing style, as you may have noticed
by now, I’ve narrowed some changes I need to make in my relationship to self.
The first is removing the word
hate (or replace with other words) from my vocabulary when talking about how I relate to my female form and organs . *goes through and strikes out in every blog post and journal entry. Ugh.
And also words like
fight (heal) or can’t (I don’t know how yet).
Our inner voice is stronger than our outer vocabulary, but do you notice, when we are in conversation we really only remember a fraction of what the other person said? Because the ego only hears what it wants to believe and usually… thats what we say ourselves.
– Nina, 2018
(even though there is no such thing as new information I’m claiming this as my own)
The second is exploring different mediums to unblock, unlock, and unpack my mentality. Actually LEARNING steps from different schools of thought about the re-wiring of the mind and the myriad of possibilities in the alternate realms of psycho-semantics.
The third is listening to the love. There are humans around me who vibrate on love, both for me, others and themselves without a second conscious thought.
oh… And allowing myself to move toward acceptance (my least favourite word in the dictionary- closely followed by every single millennial text-influence addition and acronym). Even if I never rejoice and praise being a woman, I can at least make it to a point where
hatred is no longer the primary belief. And in that I can shift the negative energy I have been sending to my reproductive organs and give my body the love it needs to regenerate and heal.
So here’s an ode to all those sassy, strong, capable, loving, sensitive, creative, smart, intuitive [_insert any phrase that suits here_] game-changing women who love themselves – in a healthy way.
I hope to learn from you, in believing I am my own inspirational woman.
And with love to those, who have connected with something in these sentences: put yourself on a fucking pedestal/stage for once and see how damned good it feels and how [_insert any complimentary phrase in here_] you are up there!
On a side note – I have spent years putting men on a pedestal for a bunch of incorrect reasons some include wishing I was male in physical structure or seeing the bad sides of male (possibly) hormone-infused decision-making and thinking I ‘owed’ them, or ‘should please’ them.
But I will not tear them off it!
Because unless we have a mutual admiration for one another – we cannot co-exist or encourage change.
And without the males who support, love, show vulnerability, create, stand tall on their ideas and morals, make changes in their own ways with consideration to women and their fellow hombres – we wouldn’t even be near the spotlight/stages.
So happy “international human day,” I say.
Any suggestions for books, podcasts, web series, videos, alternative practices are greatly appreciated add them in the comments below or send me an email.