Where the hell did the time go? and what just happened?
Three weeks ago I was in the midst of a lovely, dark sink-hole of emotions, mindset, health and hope/faith. The easiest way to describe it was that I was at a similar point to 2015, where giving up was on my radar. Add on ‘post travel reality check’, a re-surfaced health diagnosis (HPV AND CIN3 cervical dysplasia), unemployment and a couple of extra relationship and friendship pressures; I had the recipe for first-world-life- disaster.
But there was something else within me this time – a stronger dislike for the choices I always made. The fact that I’m so good at giving up if it’s not perfect (perfectionism is a tough little bugger). So, I said to the universe or whatever/whoever was listening that I was sick of choosing the same shit over and over. And the opportunity was literally handed to me on a shiny, silver platter.
Instead of sitting in guilt for this gift, I gratefully took it – relished it and look what it brought me:
I cannot express how surreal it is to call the ocean my backyard.
Maybe it’s not in the exact place I had been talking about, but everything about it feels more right than I could have imagined. Having this responsibility, has given me a renewed outlook on life (at least for the short term while I refurbish, patch sand and paint, and move all my ‘stuff’ down).
What are the things you are most grateful in your life? Have there been times you have been gifted something beautiful and turned away or refused it because of guilt? and shame of being ‘privileged’ or too proud to have others helping you?
No secrets here – I have dealt with that shame for years… even growing up in a middle class family where there were times as a kid my parents could hardly put enough food on the table for all four of us, we were still classified as ‘lucky’ because we had a roof over our heads, were supported in our passions, and in a good school. This shame really weighed heavily on me – and I absorbed these comments and made it my belief system.
Maybe the term ‘grateful’ with all its current traction didn’t exist in the same way (well I didn’t grow up with insta-twit-face-hashtags but) we sat around the table for dinner every single night and were thankful for the fact we had one another.
When this shit came over me, and I was pulled out by the support of my parents (yet again) I had to learn to let go of the guilt and replace it with gratitude. FINALLY!
Oh I’m soooo on trend !
This is not new information but if you struggle in your family, your upbringing, your current situation, I won’t sit here and say it gets better or you have to work hard for it, or anything but I will say don’t judge yourself for where you are at, listen to the universe when it tries to nudge you in the right direction, listen to your intuition and adopt that ‘attitude of gratitude’.
Changes will ALWAYS happen. And I hope when you hit a sinkhole there is something you can grasp and remember from the days you spewed out gratitude. And if you didn’t… maybe you should try it – it sure as shit helped me.
I’ll come across a few dark sink-holes in my life- I think too widely and deeply for it not to happen. But fuck me if I’ll drop into one again and give in. ✌🏼