Everyone knows, writes, and agrees that when traveling; being away from ‘home’ (if you still have a place to call one), changing your routines, people you spend time with, or simply not doing as you are used to, shapes you. I think there comes a time where you don’t just notice the shift, but physically feel it in your entire body/soul. For better or worse.
I hate to speak too soon as I am about to embark on a very different part of this trip when I fly to Sri Lanka on Monday, but I think today may have held my shifting moment. Or one of… the trip.
I am in Istanbul – a city rich, vibrant, intense, interesting, enjoyable, and thick with cigarette smoke – and am with a Danish friend whom I met for one day in Australia [over a year ago in a random hostel as I was passing through Agnes Waters on a mini road trip I took myself on from Brisbane]. She saw I was in Europe this summer, connected with me because she felt something compelled her to do so… and we ended up meeting here. For just a week.
We parted ways today, and I sit here thinking about the last few days; the type of things we have seen, experienced and spoken about – in two languages mind you- are by far some of the most enlightening of their kind. Regardless of how seemingly ‘plain’ they were.
Speaking to her this morning, I saw some value in my presence, my reason for travelling this time around and how it has brought to light a lot of things, and thrown me off course on many too.
I could actually physically feel the will to stay alive. My body reacted with goosebumps when delving into certain topics, or with heartfelt despair, on others. With these binaries, I could feel that little flicker, which kept me going [long enough to attend Noosa Confidential] in 2015. And looking back on all my connections so far – I am beginning to see the value in them, but more importantly ME!
We often forget how much we are worth when it comes to connecting with people, how very much value our presence, attention and honest vulnerability, can give to another person.
I am such a giver. I am so intense, and have soooo much passion, and love for helping others, teaching others, or bringing others along with me for the ‘ride’ whatever that may include that day. By sharing my energy… my ‘sparkle’… My fucks – my energy, time, and (sometimes) money. Sometimes it scares people, and sometimes they are almost addicted to it.
BUT truth be told: This shift has also unveiled how fucking exhausted I am. And I need some new tactics for how I do so.
People I have stayed with, met, connected or whatever, within these last months, have been generous, understanding, interesting, caring beyond any expectations I had (if any) and I could not be more grateful (ok fine, by some standards I could be by writing it in a journal or posting my list on Instagram, but shit, it’s written here now, so there!).
But because the only thing I can really give in return, at this moment in time, is my energy, I am running on empty as of today.
I am needing some help.
To fill the ‘love cup’ I’ve spoken about before. Not romantic love, just worldly love. The type that keeps you able to give. I can see the dregs of what’s left in mine and it’s kind of ugly.
The most insane part about this for me is: I can’t do it alone! Yeah, shock horror, I can’t. I need to ask for help. And oh how I DESPISE asking for help, I dislike being in need, because when I look at my life overall, why the fuck would I need any?
When I was alone and working on myself I became accustomed to creating my own magic, being my own best friend and as much as I adore being alone, being with myself and learning to practice self-love, in the end, I needed other people to give me the final push.
I have been failing to ask, and take… like really store that shit. Becasue I don’t feel like I’m worth it, and I don’t want to empty their cup.
But I am asking from the universe now :
Can I have a little back? Please?
Next stop: Colombo.