Sitting atop an 8th Century Moorish Castle facade in Sintra, Portugal. Yes there were tourists, yes they were supportive, yes I felt whole, calm and ALIVE in this moment.
Lisbon, 934pm writing in my hostel bunk, with all the glow of the last two weeks of unabashed nudity, hiking, swimming, erasing tan-lines, cooking good food, surfing, road tripping, new friends, photoshoots and trying local tapas (which ended in me being very ill), fading into the distance as I prepare to head to Bulgaria.
I came on this journey with tonnes of positivity, loads of relaxed “see-what-happens-and-go-with-the-flow”, type of mentality. With the view on money and my budget as somewhat of a distant necessity and believing in abundance, connection, good souls, and giving and receiving.
I’m not about to say that has all come crashing down because actually, it hasn’t- I just had a day where events crashed & burned into the bank account, and I haven’t slept (thanks to noisy young hoodlums at the hostel). Although I expected my ‘wellbeing’ lifestyle to change drastically with all the moving around, when I am struggling I get a little sooky, I see glimpses of things I don’t want to admit & start wondering what the actual purpose of this is?
Some days I follow this: push the boundaries, invite anything in, take opportunities, see setbacks and things that seem inconvenient, as ‘happening for a reason’.
And other days: I am suffering from headaches, fainting, nausea, bloating, thrush, joint pain, exhaustion, the inability to get real food, mental fogginess, no connection with self due to lack of meditating, self-love, and other practices I worked so hard on incorporating into my “wellbeing” definition back home and I wonder why the FUCK I left at all.
And my old friend FEAR comes back to haunt me.
SHAME of not somehow ‘doing travel right’, pops its head in too
INADEQUACY laughs at me for not achieving “enough” on this journey,
and EXPECTATION comes to steal the show from JOY…
Any traveller without a set plan, like myself, comes to these days. Where you don’t have a place to just settle for a week or so, every second night is bouncing around or interrupted by events, things to see, people to be kind to, or languages to figure out, laughter to be had, accommodation and travel to be sorted, adventures to go on, sightseeing to do, etc. la di dah. First world problems.
When your brain views new experiences, memories, sights and events on such a rapid succession there is going to be some lag in processing and times where other memories are being shifted out in order to make room. I constantly feel guilty for not writing, or ‘posting’ or blogging or whatever which literally goes against my ‘Wellbeing definition’. I’m not really here to monetise this thing, I’m not delusional enough to think that my few friends who wonder if I will ever write about Iceland ( my second stop) means I can get money or sponsorship or some free meal. I’m no travel expert – I’m doing this MY WAY for MY purpose.
Weird; that being an advocate for it, means I am straying from the whole reason I left.
BUT… yes there is a butt…. pun intended with all the naturist type stuff I’ve done 😉
I am learning so very much about my self, my mind (how much stronger it is), my body (also some more strength but also many more weaknesses), and the way my soul/spirit seems to pull me through each time.
That glorious third-eye – intuition guides me at so many turns- specifically when I am completely navigating alone.
I guess it means that no matter what type of ‘transport’ or ‘path’ you wander through on your Wellbeing journey, they will bring you face to face with the scary dark bends and corners and make you feel like shit. I know a few people who seem to walk down brightly lit, straight paths, with sunshine & actual rainbows, some are even handed lollipops on their way too but.. I don’t rate them… The dark, scary shit suits me best. I know I will actually FEEL something that way.
And why do I love to FEEL? It means I am alive, only dead people don’t feel, people in graves don’t have emotions people who are no longer breathing don’t understand the polarity of light and dark. Take that literally or metaphorically- however it suits you best.