Today was average. Shitty. Bland. Not the shitty kind of day where bad things happened to me. But the kind of day where I realised life is really unpredictable. Where I am reminded of the journey I have been, and still am, on. Not just my Wellbeing in body and mind, but also with relationships, experiences, and self-discovery.
I don’t have as many of these days anymore. Maybe because I am living a life so many would aspire to – even if I don’t really earn big bucks I’m about to head on an indefinite ‘holiday’ of sorts – but that doesn’t exactly fit the bill perfectly.
There is this thing with me and procrastination – no, wait – time wasting. So much shit to do, so much other shit to experience, and so very much shit I have built up for myself to achieve. Collections upon collections of ‘to-do’ lists, notes, and journals/diaries/planners. I have dabbled with a few ways of keeping track – but they always feel a bit awkward.
I didn’t tick off more than 3 things on my list today, and although to some, that’s self-high-five worthy (if you don’t know how to give yourself a self-high-five please see my Instagram. I’ll try put a video demonstrating it). The fact that I was able to get distracted- mostly by this damned site and the techy part of it- has encouraged me to stay up late, create content, and burning myself out when I should be resting, collecting the things I need for travel… oh and vaguely planning it perhaps?
I still only have a flight from Brisbane to Vancouver, and then one from Toronto to Reykjavik with little to no plans with how I will get from one side of Canada to the other, or even a flight out of Iceland in order to meet my sister in London, so we can fly to Morocco (which hasn’t been booked either). Needless to say, today has brought about some serious anxiety.
You’re rolling your eyes now hey? success!
First world problems – but I said, this site is about honesty and for me more than anyone else. So if you have found yourself spinning into the “not enough hours in the day” type of mindset, I hope this resonates with you.
My life is “easy and perfect” to so many, but I can still feel as though I’m not enough, get stuck procrastinating because my overachieving, perfectionist, ultra-fuck-giving, creative, opportunistic, adrenaline-fuelled mind, body and soul can push me to heights I cannot reach all at once.
Physically my body reacts to this rush of adrenaline and cortisol. I get the shakes, even without coffee, I crave sugar or food because I am overwhelmed, I get tingles through my arms, lightheaded, and feel queasy…. I am so grateful I was taught how to read the signals, and also that I can love myself when they happen. I’m getting better each time I have one of these ‘events’. It’s similar to my anxiety around people and crowds but this is completely manufactured by my own expecations.
So what did I do you ask? Oh, I meditated by petting my cat and listening to my breath (I may have used the Headspace App) sat on Instagram for a bit looking at visual art, drank some tea (decaffeinated dandelion root), sat in the backyard sun and burned some incense – standard, I tried to celebrate the small victories today.
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